Reconciling Alienation and Estrangement

Family & Relationships,

I’m the newest member of a group focused on alienation and estrangement.

I’ve only attended two sessions, but I’m already on the road to healing, mainly because I no longer feel alone in the isolation of rejection.

I’ve already formed powerful connections with some in the group who, like me, are powerlessly disconnected, if that makes any sense.

By definition, reconciliation is the process of restoring harmony. Its primary purpose is to resolve conflicts, verify accuracy, and align differing data sets or views. It requires honest communication among the connected parties involved.

But what if there is no resolution?

What if restoration is an illusion?

What if reconciliation is irreconcilable?

At 73, I’ve learned that life is mostly about love and pain.

And connections.

And each connection is crucial to connecting all the dots.

Or not.

I liken estrangement to being unable to complete the popular children’s puzzle, “Connect the Dots.”

The incomplete result is that I’m unable to reveal or understand the hidden picture—deeper and more complex than any child’s puzzle.

Reconciliation may never happen for me, but now I know it’s not a measure of my worth. It took my daughter era, my mother era, my grandmother era, and my sisterhood era to figure that out. That’s a whole lot of eras.

Strength, resolve, acceptance, and personal healing might have to be enough for me to live out the rest of my years with some semblance of normality. Even though I fully recognize that there is nothing normal about alienation or estrangement.

Or that reconciliation might mean accepting that I will forever be in a state of ongoing distress to some degree.

That’s probably all I’m ever going to get.

But then I think about those beloved and precious dots out there. Those connections who may or may not know they’re part of my puzzle.

And then I’m right back where I started—on a road with no end.

Some say that hope is necessary to survive.

And I agree.

Some say the fear of missing out is the most painful part of estrangement.

But I disagree.

I don’t feel like I’m missing out.

I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing.

And I’m bleeding out.

Dream Interpretation

Observe & Ponder


I had three dreams this week, but I only remembered one sentence from each.

After each dream, the process was the same: I awoke, said the sentence aloud, and then scribbled it down in the dark.

February 23: Stuck in the valley of no.

February 25: She looked beyond all of it and said goodbye.

February 27: But the girl is always in there.

As I read and reread the three sentences this morning, I concluded that, in addition to dreams, they were also a collection of ideological musings and a dialogue between my conscious and unconscious mind.

Which got me thinking about Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, and Teri Schure’s theories on dreams.

In the early 1970s, I bought a used copy of Sigmund Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams, a 1955 English translation. I have read and reread it countless times and still consult it whenever I analyze a dream.

The book, published in 1899, examines why we dream and why dreams matter in our psychological lives. In it, Freud presents his theory of the unconscious mind through dream analysis, arguing that dreams are disguised fulfillments of repressed wishes, often originating in the personal, repressed unconscious rooted in childhood experiences. Freud distinguishes between the manifest (remembered) and latent (hidden) dream content, using dream interpretation as a key to understanding the unconscious.

A few years after buying Freud’s book, I bought Man and His Symbols by Carl Jung. In his book, Jung argues that the world of the unconscious mind is as vital and as true a part of us as the conscious mind, and that both communicate through our dreams—those personal, integral expressions of our deepest selves.

Jung’s book and theories differ from Freud’s in that the concept of the unconscious mind, as revealed through dream analysis, has nothing to do with repressed desires or wishes.

According to Jung, dreams are unvarnished, spontaneous, and random messages from the unconscious that aim to balance the psyche, promote wholeness, and serve as a counterweight to the conscious mind and its attitudes. As such, dreams serve as a vehicle for communication and can help the dreamer integrate the conscious and the unconscious. This process involves accepting, respecting, accommodating, and learning to live in peace with both our conscious and unconscious selves.

Freud believed that dreams served as a façade, concealing deep, dark, suppressed secrets. Freud’s approach focused on past events from the personal unconscious and aimed to decode or make sense of repressed trauma. Freud also believed that dreams have a direct connection to past experiences.

Jung believed dreams were future-oriented, direct, and honest representations of the unconscious and that they provided fodder for conscious attitudes and were instrumental in resolving and balancing unfinished emotional issues.

I found the diverging opinions between their genius dream theories, as well as the personal relationship between Freud and Jung, fascinating.

When they first met in 1906, Freud, nearly twenty years older than Jung, was already well established and regarded as the “king” or “father” of psychoanalysis.

Born in 1856, Freud was the established mentor, while Jung, born in 1875, was considered the younger, rising colleague—often referred to as the “crown prince” or “son” of psychoanalysis.

Because of the age difference, their relationship often mirrored a father-son dynamic until their professional split around 1913, after which they never spoke again, leading to the development of two distinct schools of thought.

Jung felt that Freud’s emphasis on sexuality was too narrow and limiting. Rather than merely masking repressed desires, Jung believed that dreams used symbolic language to reveal personal truths, highlight mental and physical health issues, and offer guidance.

Freud respected Jung’s intellect but was annoyed by his refusal to serve as a “rubber stamp” for Freud’s theories. Some theorists argue that Freud and Jung parted ways because of homosexual feelings that destabilized their relationship.

I have always been skeptical of the reasoning behind Freud and Jung’s view that their theories were irreconcilable. So perhaps it is no surprise to me that the why and how of my dream process include elements of both theories.

There is a concept called “unfinished thoughts,” which is another theory about repressed (unconscious) and suppressed (conscious) memory. Every time our brain tries to repress or suppress intrusive thoughts, lingering worries, traumatic experiences, or anything the conscious or unconscious mind has not resolved, those experiences are encoded in memory. These memories and unwanted thoughts we try so hard to suppress and repress often resurface in our dreams, a phenomenon known as “dream rebound.”

Like Sigmund Freud, if I wake from a dream and remember it, I write it down so I can later try to make sense of its meaning, and I always add it to a Word document titled “Dreams” on my computer. On one eerie occasion, I had an immensely troubling nightmare, only to learn months later that someone I once loved had passed away on the same day I had the dream.

Like Carl Jung, I believe that my conscious and unconscious are distinct yet interacting parts of a single, unified psyche. I also believe that my dreams are messages from my unconscious that often influence my conscious life.

My dreams are complex and detailed and seem to last for hours, even though I know most dreams typically last between five and thirty minutes, and that it is possible to have four to seven dreams per night.

When my dreams aren’t long and drawn out, they often manifest as a single sentence. Or maybe they are long and drawn out, but when I wake up, the only thing I retain is a one-liner from the dream.

Here are some key concepts I have learned from Jung and Freud, along with my own repressed, suppressed, and unfinished thoughts about dreams:

  • My dreams often serve as a window into my unconscious mind, revealing my repressed hopes, desires, fears, and conflicts. My daytime rumination about stressful, negative, or unfinished life events manifests in my sleep.
  • Some of my dreams, disguised as fulfillments of my unconscious, repressed thoughts and memories, are often violent and aggressive. Thoughts I have intentionally and consciously suppressed or blocked out during the day tend to haunt and taunt me in my dreams.
  • My dreams are a continuation of my waking thoughts, in which my attempts to resolve, process, or make sense of unpleasant situations remain unfinished.

Like Freud, I believe my dreams often reflect my childhood experiences and help me process unmet emotional needs, anxieties, or traumas that were never properly addressed. For Freud, the truest interpretation of a dream must help the dreamer uncover hidden, repressed, and usually infantile wishes.

Like Jung, I believe my dreams often contain powerful, universal symbols that directly relate to my current life, emotions, and waking situation, and that they bridge the conscious and unconscious. For Jung, the truest interpretation of a dream must help the dreamer move forward in their life and personal development.

Circling back to the three sentences from my dreams, I see more clearly what they are trying to tell me. I also recognize distinct elements in them that Freud and Jung strongly believed in.

And when I put my three dream fragments together, they make all the sense in the world, from both a conscious and unconscious perspective:

Stuck in the valley of no, she looked beyond all of it and said goodbye. But the girl is always in there.

The Dollhouse Chronicles

Books, Journals & Worksheets


When I pressed “send,” 5,000 words of my 12,346-word manuscript, The Dollhouse Chronicles, were included in a required package due this past Sunday, ahead of a writing mentorship masterclass I am invited to attend in April.

I was both relieved to meet the deadline and deeply gratified that my book—a novel I have been working on for over two years—was finally put to bed.

But that night, after already sending off my submission, I woke before daybreak from a dream, or maybe it was my subconscious telling me that The Dollhouse Chronicles had not yet been “put to bed.”

Whatever it was, it showed me one of my female characters barefoot. When I sat up, I silently cursed myself for not adding that all-important detail to describe her fleeing a harrowing situation. Of course, she was barefoot.

I charged down three flights of stairs and opened The Dollhouse Chronicles Word doc. I added the word “barefoot” to the end of the second-to-last sentence of a narrative-driven flashback in chapter five. Though labeling it a chapter is nowhere near an accurate description of the gut-wrenching scene.

I’ve been struggling to capture the sections of my book in a way that is laudable and meritorious. The narrative breaks involving the three main girls in my manuscript deserve a poetic description worthy of their gritty characters and thriving spirits, not a rote label like “scenario,” “chapter,” “scene,” or “episode.”

Those three young ladies deserve a description that is far more visceral and evocative—something that does justice to their resilience, courage, and resolve.

And then it hit me.

I could call each section a vignette, a fitting and descriptive homage to the three powerhouse characters in my book. Wait. Had I just created a subtitle for my upcoming novel?

THE DOLLHOUSE CHRONICLES

A Collection of Vignettes

Yes. My three heroes were part of a collection of vignettes, and just like that, my book had a new title. However, I’ll wait to review it with my writing adviser before making the change.

And then came night two after my submission—and nights three and four.

Those nights were chock-full of vivid, intricate, multifaceted layers that clearly needed to be woven into my already-completed novel.

Each night, I jotted down the myriad visions, and each morning I added them to my manuscript.

This book, which I thought was finished, seems to have taken on a life of its own—morphing, developing, and rewriting itself.

And it’s obvious from the reams of notes I’m taking and making that I’m not finished with the manuscript because the manuscript is clearly not finished with me.

And so, I’ve been listening to the novel and updating what it wants me to say.

It feels ridiculous to say I’m listening to a novel. That, as the writer, I’m not in charge of my own words. Is that even possible?

I say yes.

The words flow easily and connect so fluidly that I know beyond a doubt that my book is in control.

And now The Dollhouse Chronicles is transforming itself day by day through vignettes.

The rich complexities of the characters in my trauma-based novel continue to reveal themselves in endless, intricate detail. My novel has proven itself to be a work in progress. Just like me.

UPDATE AS OF MARCH 6, 2026: I just watched the trailer for Hulu’s The Testaments, a highly-anticipated spin-off of The Handmaid’s Tale. The trailer opens with a new character, Agnes, who says she isn’t sure what year it is but knows she still has her dollhouse. Agnes says her dollhouse is just like her real house—filled with dolls, always busy, doing important work— but the little girl doll is her—back when she still believed in the world. The dollhouse in The Testaments symbolizes the characters’ dollhouse-like existence, emphasizing the stark difference between their idealized world and the brutal reality they confront.

The dollhouse in The Testaments serves as a reminder of the power of imagination and the potential for resistance against traumatic events, the exact theme of my book. Just so I’m clear here, I came up with the concept first!
Watch The Testaments trailer here.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop

Poetry


When I was younger, and my thoughts would snap, crackle, and pop, I’d keep them deep inside of me, hoping they would disappear.
I wasn’t ready to pull them out, so I repressed them out of love and respect—not for me, but for the others. I was in a vacuum of fear.

But after a while, I grew tired of protecting everyone but myself. I needed to eradicate the personal devaluation and the poisonous fright.
So now, instead of running from the snap, crackle, and pop, I sit down and write.

When a snap, crackle, and pop creeps into my brain, I have no choice but to write what it’s about.
I have to get that snap, crackle, and pop on paper before the next snap, crackle, and pop seeps out.

I realize in my twilight years that I can’t escape my thoughts. They snap, crackle, and pop when they want, and they don’t have to rhyme.
It could be a nightmare in the middle of a sleepless night or in the morning while I’m reading the New York Times.

The snap, crackle, and pop are annoyingly nonstop.
But now, instead of running from the truth, I run for my laptop.

The never-ending snap, crackle, and pop compel me to write, no matter the setting.
Hell, I was writing poetry in a bathroom stall at my own daughter’s wedding.

I could be sleeping, driving, walking, exercising, cooking, or cleaning.
Pretty much any time that snap, crackle, and pop leaks into my disordered psyche, my mind starts careening.

I have thousands of emails and texts I sent to myself, a jumble of words on tiny scraps of paper.
And endless lamentations written to a mom and dad, who I wish had never been my maker.

I have a gazillion notes on my phone and volumes of journals on my shelf.
And don’t judge me, but I even make ridiculously long phone calls to myself.

My mind doesn’t stop. With every snap, crackle, and pop, I’m like a robot trained to write it down.
I’m programmed to write. I compulsively spill and spell it out, just in time for another round.

I’m on a mission to block the snap, crackle, and pop, and yet I can’t help but remember,
what I fight every day to forget: the fire, the third-degree burns, and that devastating night in September.

I have no interest in turning every snap, crackle, and pop into a rhyme, a story, or a post.
But I’ve got no choice; otherwise, I feel like I’m nothing but a dried-up, burnt-out piece of milquetoast.