Category Archives: Observe & Ponder

My Personal Bill of Rights for Friends and Family

(On this day of all days, I need to remind myself that I’m enough not just for today, but for the rest of my time here.)

1. You may not always like what I have to say, but you’ll always know where I stand.

2. I’m not looking for a relationship primarily focused on your needs and feelings, with little to no consideration for mine.

3. If I try to explain to you how your actions have hurt me, don’t try to twist everything around.

4. Stop feeling sorry for yourself by making excuses and start holding yourself accountable for your selfish and hurtful behavior towards me.

5. Take responsibility for your actions and words for a change because I see right through your flimsy rationalizations.

6. Don’t try to gaslight and accuse me of “starting with you,” when I’m trying to be heard in the hopes of salvaging whatever this is that we have (or don’t have).

7. If I tell you how your behavior makes me feel, that’s not starting a fight—that’s open, honest, and caring communication. Because if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be trying to fix things between us.

8. You dismissing how I feel is manipulative and narcissistic, so don’t do it.

9. Put yourself in my shoes, and be brutally honest with yourself for a change.

10. Own up to your self-serving actions because you don’t get to wound me with your thoughtlessness, and then play the victim when I call you out.

11. I’m not being “cruel,” I’m being honest.

12. I’m not overreacting; I’m reacting to being disrespected, overlooked, pushed aside, and used by you.

13. You don’t get to cause me pain, and then get angry when I speak up for myself.

14. Stop lying to me and yourself—your little white lies are lies nonetheless.

15. I have a responsibility to myself to stand up for my beliefs and my boundaries.

16. If I’m depleted instead of completed, I need to stop caring about someone who finds it so easy to invalidate and discount my emotions.

17. Don’t even think about saying “but” after you say you’re sorry, because I’m tired of hearing your empty excuses.

18. I’m looking for two-way relationships, or I need to move on. Life is too short to end up at a dead end.

Defend, Not Defund the Police

Protecting the men and women who protect us should never be about party politics—it should be about doing what’s right.

Police officers are the backbone of safety in our communities, and they deserve more than empty words or political lip service. They deserve support, respect, and political protection.

And yet it seems that no political party has adequately confronted the needs of police officers, despite their essential role in ensuring community safety.

Our men and women in blue carry loaded weapons, make life and death decisions on a second’s notice, and yet they are unappreciated, underpaid, undervalued, disrespected, and unprotected.

Politicians use support or non-support of the police as a weapon or a sound bite, but at the end of the day, the men and women in blue are victims of our ineffective political system, just like the rest of us.

Many politicians—Democrats, Republicans, and Independents—claim they have the backs of the men and women in blue, but it’s mostly lip service. Their number one goal has little to do with the men and women in blue.

Politicians have one goal, and that’s to get elected. It’s shameful, but it’s reality, which is why we, the people, need to step up and support our men and women in blue and demand more from our politicians.

I recently discovered that many patrol cars have no air conditioning. Imagine wearing an LED vest in 98-degree heat with no air conditioning? As a result, these officers come home with heat rash from head to toe.

And this might seem like a minor point, but many police departments are still working on digitizing all their forms and procedures, so typewriters remain in use.

Having a typewriter available as a system’s backup makes some sense, but not as part of the regular course of police business.

During COVID, while everyone else was quarantining if exposed, NYPD officers were only allowed to take off if they tested positive—even after working side by side with officers who did test positive, and regardless of whether they had a family member at home who was high risk or elderly. As a result, many police households suffered from COVID repeatedly.

Every day, the men and women in blue face the possibility of armed individuals, potential ambushes, exposure to contaminants and hazardous equipment, and the danger of interacting with individuals experiencing severe mental health episodes or substance abuse.

Police officers across the country showed up every single day during the COVID-19 pandemic, while most people were told to stay home and stay safe. They didn’t get hazard pay. They didn’t get a thank you. Instead, they often got vilified.

These officers walked into homes not knowing if someone was contagious at best or armed at worst. They handled riots, unrest, and crime spikes while wearing makeshift PPE and being told they didn’t qualify for time off unless they were actively sick, even when their police partners tested positive.

The situation regarding sick leave during the COVID-19 pandemic also highlights the challenges faced by officers.

According to the New York City Independent Budget Office, regulations surrounding quarantine and sick leave during the pandemic created complexities for public employees. Reports from the time indicate that, in many cases, officers who had been exposed but were asymptomatic were still required to report for duty while awaiting testing or official quarantine orders. This situation was particularly challenging in the early stages of the pandemic when testing and protocols were evolving.

Additionally, police officer suicide rates are sadly significantly higher than the national average, highlighting the severity of the mental health crisis within the profession.

Rising crime statistics underscore the importance of looking beyond political rhetoric and acknowledging the daily challenges and dangers faced by law enforcement officers.

Here are just a few examples of what our police officers have to contend with:

Our men and women in blue investigate sex crimes and handle cases involving child abuse, rape, sexual assault, and other related offenses. They also work closely with social services to support victims of these crimes.

Additionally, they provide investigative support, training, and resources to myriad other agencies and manage the AMBER Alert system for child abductions, regardless of race, sexuality, gender, ethnicity, or immigration status.

Our police investigate crimes that require sensitive handling, such as those involving children, the elderly, or people with disabilities. They frequently receive specialized training in forensic interviewing, crisis intervention, and victim advocacy.

Various states and cities have Hate Crimes Task Forces that work to prevent, investigate, and monitor Hate Crimes and violations of Human Rights Law. Our brave men and women in blue coordinate and collaborate with many law enforcement agencies to combat human trafficking, including child sex trafficking.

According to the United States Department of Justice, human trafficking is the second-largest international criminal industry, second only to the drug trade.

Many police officers focus on cases involving vulnerable or high-risk victims and investigate all types of sexual offenses, including dating violence, domestic violence, and stalking on college campuses, to name a few.

Crime rates in the United States have been exponentially increasing in recent years, and our law enforcement officers are on the front lines of this battle.

Communities throughout the nation are inundated with violent robberies, assaults, murders, and fentanyl overdoses, while an open southern border is only exacerbating this crisis.

Despite these risks and sacrifices, police officers often receive criticism rather than appreciation, with no hazard pay or formal acknowledgement for their efforts during this unprecedented time.

Police officers across the country, who carry loaded weapons and who are entrusted with making critical decisions, deserve consistent support, respect, and tangible improvements in their working conditions, regardless of political affiliations.

It has never been more important to recognize the remarkable courage of our men and women in blue who are on the front lines, standing between lawlessness and order on our streets.

We must show our law enforcement officers our appreciation, respect, and unwavering support, while also recognizing the sacrifices they make every day to ensure our communities are safe.

Our police officers put their lives on the line with courage and determination every time they don their uniforms. Despite the uncertainty that accompanies each shift, they remain committed to their duty of safeguarding us, and they wear their badges with pride.

For far too long, “defund the police” movements and anti-police legislation have resulted in skyrocketing crime across the country and against our brave law enforcement.

In 2023, the number of officers shot in the line of duty was up 52% from 2020. And 2021 was the deadliest year in two decades for our law enforcement officers.

While crime rates are skyrocketing in many communities, some groups are making it more challenging for our officers to do their jobs, and their rhetoric and hate-mongering are resulting in horrible repercussions.

Our communities depend upon law and order. Without it, none of us are safe.

Happily Even After

As a wordsmith, I know that one word can change a life or a sentence.

One word. That’s all it takes.

In this case, it took two:

EVEN and EVER.

It all started this past Sunday afternoon while hosting my daughter’s BRIDAL SHOWER.

The day had challenges, but I think it turned out okay, EVEN though the food was COLD,

which was a crying shame because it was yummy.

Just iced-COLD.

But I stayed calm. I didn’t yell or carry on. I stayed positive because it was my daughter’s special day.

Also, my favorite cake was being served: ITALIAN RUM CAKE with vanilla and chocolate pudding, extra Rum flavoring, “dressed” with snow-white whipped cream. (The BAKER used the word “dressed,” and as soon as I heard it, I vowed never to use the word “topped” again.)

When I ordered the cake, I asked the BAKER to adorn it with the couple’s engagement photo and then, underneath the image, to write the words:

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

It’s too long of a story to tell here, but I’ll tell it anyway. When I went to pick up the cake, the BAKER was surrounded by many—too many—undressed cakes, mine included…

I waited patiently for the BAKER to finish “dressing” my cake, and when he shouted twice that I was making him nervous, I twice skulked to my car to while away my precious time.

And because he was late, I was late. So, when the BAKER nervously presented the ITALIAN RUM CAKE to me, camouflaged by a glass display of Italian pastries, I said, “It looks fine,” EVEN though I couldn’t see it.

I’m not making excuses here. I’m just saying.

At the BRIDAL SHOWER, everyone enjoyed introductions, music, and mingling, and seeing my daughter so happy was pure JOY.

JOY.

That’s not a word you’ll hear coming out of my mouth very often.

Okay, not EVER.

But I’ll say it loud and proud. I was experiencing JOY.

And the BRIDAL SHOWER was going better than EVER.

Games were played, prizes were won, and then the COLD food came out.

The PARTY POINT PERSON tried to heat up that COLD food with chafing dish candles, but the air conditioner vent kept blowing out the flames.

Four employees, including the bartender, hovered around the food, investigating the situation, but to no avail; we all ate COLD food.

And because the food was COLD, the PARTY POINT PERSON said she felt bad and would put out more food. I told the PARTY POINT PERSON it wasn’t necessary to put out more food because everyone was full.

And everyone was full because they had already eaten,

COLD food.

I also told the PARTY POINT PERSON that if she were to put out more food, she might want to move the buffet server station away from the air conditioner vent duh. (I didn’t say, “duh,” because of the JOY thing, but I thought it.)

The PARTY POINT PERSON took my station relocation suggestion to heart because she immediately moved the buffet servers to another wall and then put out more food,

which was also COLD.

At that point, I was still determined to fill myself up with JOY, so I feigned serenity and was now totally and utterly dependent upon the ITALIAN RUM CAKE being the best ITALIAN RUM CAKE it could be to make up for the COLD food.

The almost-groom arrived at the BRIDAL SHOWER with a stunning bouquet at 3 pm, and the cake-cutting/photo op was scheduled for 3:30.

When the PARTY POINT PERSON brought out the cake, my daughter and I were aghast at the inscription:

HAPPILY EVEN AFTER

My daughter thought it was hilarious while I stared in horror.

My doctor friend, who was in attendance, promptly grabbed a knife and meticulously performed surgery on the N, turning it into a near-perfect R.

Well, not an R…an r.

!!! Thanks to Dr. Andrea, the ITALIAN RUM CAKE now said:

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

And EVEN though we righted the BAKER’S wrong, the original inscription on the ITALIAN RUM CAKE was a ginormous hit.

It was such a hit that the BRIDAL SHOWER guests took more photos of the botched cake message of:

HAPPILY EVEN AFTER

than photos taken of the soon-to-be-married couple cutting the surgically amended version:

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

!!!

Once the EVEN was punctiliously changed to EVER, the ITALIAN RUM CAKE was couple-cut and served.

FROZEN.

So FROZEN that it was difficult to cut.

And also, I almost broke a tooth on a hard candy pearl that the BAKER had strewn all over the “dressing” of the cake. Those suckers were lethal. That ITALIAN RUM CAKE should have come with a warning:

HAPPILY EVEN AFTER you break a tooth on the hard candy pearls.

Needless to say, there was a lot of ITALIAN RUM CAKE left, so I took it home. And once it thawed, it was fabulously delicious.

Despite the COLD food and the FROZEN ITALIAN RUM CAKE, I think the BRIDAL SHOWER was a success.

But I still haven’t been able to get that darn inscription

HAPPILY EVEN AFTER

out of my head.

I might EVEN like it better than “dressing.”

Four Thousand Weeks

In 2021, Oliver Burkeman wrote a brilliant bestseller, Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals.

Four thousand weeks equate to 76.923 years. If Burkeman is correct, this leaves me with a little under five years to get sh*t done.

Some Jewish scholars, particularly within Kabbalah and Hasidic Judaism, believe that souls return to human form to complete an unfinished life or to rectify past actions.

So maybe I have more time than Burkeman thinks—assuming I return as someone else, my time might be indefinitely infinite.

And if there is any truth to what these Jewish scholars believe, I have a list of souls who may or may not be lurking around me—some who died too young and whom I miss terribly, and others who most definitely owe me some rectification.

The concept of “Gilgul,” the Hebrew word for “the transmigration of souls,” refers to moving a soul into another body upon death. This concept is also a central belief in many religions and philosophies, including Buddhism, Hinduism, and Sikhism.

It kind of creeps me out, but I also love it because it makes me hopeful that I can return to the beginning once I get to the end. Plus, I have a few past actions I would love to rectify.

Burkeman’s four-thousand-week theory, combined with Gilgul, reminds me that I need to make the most of the here and now because my time is quickly running out.

But rectifying past actions by returning to another human form sounds easier said than done, so I have a few questions:

  • What would a future apology by a future other body look like?
  • Plus, if my apology was already rejected, how would moving into another body change that?
  • And anyway, how does one choose another body? Does one simply stumble upon it, or do we have options?
  • And finally, whose body would I want to morph into? And what if this body I’m eyeing is already spoken for?

In Hinduism, karma determines what form the soul will take in the next life, so maybe I won’t have a choice. And karma can be tricky. You know what many say about karma being…

I probably have too much time on my hands, but the question of whose body I would like to morph into has given me a lot to think about these past few days.

After much thought ( I know I need a life), I decided that whatever is unfinished or needs rectifying, I need to do it soon and not rely on some other future body to do it for me.

As a control freak, I’m not leaving anything up to fate or karma, so I’m going with the Buddhist perspective: My actions in this life will eventually decide my fate in the next one, so I better get busy.