All posts by Teri

Gaslighting

March 1, 2017BulliesTeri

Hands down, the most popular post I have ever written is: Bullies Are Cowards and Why I Refuse To Turn the Other Cheek.

I have received over twenty thousand page views for that one post alone and hundreds of emails from people who have shared heartbreaking bullying experiences with me.

But a recent incredibly hurtful and personal experience, immediately followed by a comment I received yesterday from a man named Jack after he read my “Bullies Are Cowards” post prompted me to write about gaslighting.

“I never said that.”

“It’s all in your head.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“I was just joking around.”

“Oh, stop it.”

“Why are you taking things so seriously?”

“You misunderstood what I said.”

“That never happened.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!”

Misinformation, disinformation, alternate theories, alternative facts, distorted view of events, outright lies.

Did you ever wonder why someone you trust would rewrite history?

And after listening to them tell their version over and over and over again, did you ever question that maybe it didn’t happen the way you thought it did?

Or second guessed yourself, and even doubted your own sanity?

If you’re nodding your head yes, don’t worry. You’re not going crazy. It’s not you. And it’s happened to the best of us.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt bullied, discredited, victimized, minimized, and alienated.

As a result, I was often left with questions about myself, wondering if I was being overly sensitive, silly, neurotic, or downright unhinged.

Gaslighting is a manipulative attempt to plant seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make those targets question their own memory, perception, sanity, and order of things.

Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighters attempt to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target’s beliefs.

The term comes from a 1938 London play, about a sadistic husband who is trying to drive his wife insane, titled “Gas Light.”

The drama popularized the term “gaslighting” where the narcissistic abuser manipulates the mind of a victim by presenting fiction as fact, causing the victim to question reality.

Gaslighters come in all forms: Family members, friends, spouses, teachers, health professionals, bosses, authoritarian regimes, government officials, and yes, even the President of the United States.

There is some good that can come from all of this altering of reality and facts though.

The liars and deceivers who gaslight will eventually be exposed for who and what they are and/or slip up.

But don’t wait around for that to happen.

Here is what I’ve learned over the years, and sadly, more recently, when a friend of a friend attempted to gaslight me.

The only reality you can control is your own. Distance yourself as much as possible. Walk away if necessary. Don’t engage. Don’t let anyone wear and tear you down. Don’t give into lies. Stay informed. Trust your instincts. Never give up on the truth. Resist and persist.

And above all love and believe in yourself.

Happy 90th Birthday Sidney Poitier

February 20, 2017Observe & PonderTeri

On February 20, 1927, Sidney Poitier was born in Miami, Florida. His parents were poor immigrant farmers from the Bahamas, where he and his family eventually returned.

When he was 15, he moved back to Florida, eventually making his way to New York’s Harlem where he became a dishwasher.

He served in the army, and then joined the American Negro Theater working there as a janitor in exchange for drama training.

In 1961, while the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE) was organizing the “Freedom Ride” Poitier appeared in his first major movie appearance when he played Walter Lee Younger in A Raisin in the Sun. While Poitier’s fictional character was mired in neighborhood tensions over interracial population in Chicago, the original Freedom Riders were being beaten by mobs in several places, including Birmingham and Montgomery, Alabama.

The movie was terrific, but Poitier and the film didn’t get much attention. If you haven’t seen the movie, I strongly urge you to do so.

Two years later, a quarter of a million people participated in the March on Washington on August 28, 1963, and heard Martin Luther King Jr. deliver his “I Have a Dream” speech.

That same year, Poitier starred as Homer Smith in the 1963 movie Lilies of the Field, and he was finally recognized as the star he was. The story of an African American itinerant worker who encounters a group of East German nuns in Arizona, who believe Smith has been sent to them by God to build them a new chapel, hit moviegoers hard.

I will never forget the last scene of the film, with Smith slipping quietly away into the night.

I recall my mom weeping next to me in the theater, and my grandmother later telling me “things were changing.”

Changing, indeed. The movie debuted just one month before Kennedy’s assassination.

Poitier’s role as Smith earned him an Academy Award for Best Actor, making him the first African-American man to win the honor.

I saw both movies as a child, but to be honest, I was too young to fully understand the importance of the films, or how talented Poitier was.

It wasn’t until 1967 when I was fourteen that I fell in love with Poitier in his role as a high school teacher in To Sir With Love, a British drama film that dealt with social and racial issues in an inner city school.

It was also in 1967 that the changing times had divided most Americans into “them” and “us.” Following a police raid on a black power hangout, Detroit erupted into the worst race riots our country had ever experienced, with 43 people dead—33 African Americans and 10 whites. Hundreds of racial disturbances were reported across the country that year, including major riots in Tampa, Cincinnati, Atlanta, Newark, Plainfield and Brunswick, New Jersey, which killed at least 83 people. It was also the year that Muhammad Ali, formerly Cassius Clay, was stripped of his heavyweight boxing title for resisting military draft as a Muslim minister in the Nation of Islam.

I am embarrassed to say that at the time I didn’t fully comprehend any of it.

But To Sir With Love left an indelible mark on me and forever changed my view of black vs. white.

Poitier played teacher Mark Thackeray, and it was the first crush I ever had on an actor.

I can still vividly recall when at their end of the school year class dance there was a “ladies choice,” and tough girl Pamela chose Thackeray as her dance partner. That scene hands down just blew me away.

The film’s title song “To Sir With Love,” sung by Lulu (who played the unforgettable Barbara Pegg in the movie), reached number one on the U.S. pop charts. I can’t tell you how many thousands of times I played that 45 record. (See the YouTube video of it below.)

In the same year, Poitier followed up with In the Heat of the Night and Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, where he starred opposite Katharine Hepburn, as a black man in love with a white woman.

Art indeed imitated life—the film debuted the same year that the Supreme Court legalized interracial marriage in the landmark case Loving v. Virginia.

The lyrics of To Sir With Love ended with “A friend who taught me right from wrong
and weak from strong, that’s a lot to learn.”

But if I’ve learned anything, it’s something my French-American grandmother used to tell me over and over again: Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Happy 90^th Birthday Sidney.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8-M_wg8AI4

Super Bowl Sunday Food Fest

February 12, 2017Entertaining & RecipesTeri

Lady Gaga in my BFF’s platter of chicken wings.

I promised in my last blog post to move on, and stop talking politics.

But to be honest, I am still obsessed with all things political.

But a promise is a promise, even though my heart and mind isn’t into much of anything else these days.

And try as I could, the only thing I could think of to blog about, is last Sunday’s Super Bowl and what I ate.

I know, it’s old news, but I’m trying here!

So here goes…

I love Super Bowl parties.

The number one reason? It’s all about the food.

…With a few commercials and a half-time show thrown in.

Oh, and of course, there’s the football game.

And yet another excuse to party hardy.

And regardless of whether I am asked to bring something or not, I always show up with my favorite go to’s:

My do-it-yourself platter decorations, and my kick-yo-ass spicy boneless buffalo chicken.

Since I need to fill up some blog space here, I thought I’d throw in a few Super Bowl stats to stretch this thang out.

Did you know that Americans spent more than $50 million on food for this last Super Bowl? (That’s a lot of moolah.)

According to the National Chicken Council (yes there is such a thing), more than 1.3 BILLION chicken wings were consumed over Super Bowl Sunday weekend. That’s enough wings to circle the Earth almost three times. They also estimated that of the wings eaten during Super Bowl weekend, 75 percent came from restaurants or food service outlets, and 25 percent were homemade, which means abut 325 million wings were picked up at grocery stores and supermarkets.

When I showed up at my local grocery store Super Bowl Saturday to pick up chicken, the wings were gonzo.

Shoppers were scurrying and snooping around in the meat department, while others were begging the butcher for a miracle. Good thing I was making boneless buffalo chicken breast! (See my recipe below.)

Super Bowl Sunday is also hands down, the busiest day of the year for pizza places. Domino’s alone sold about 12 million slices of pizza that day.

And don’t forget about the guacamole dip (8 million pounds), tortilla and potato chips (14,500 tons), popcorn (4,000 tons) and lots and lots and lots of beer.

Estimated Super Bowl Sunday calorie consumption was approximately 1,000-2,000 per person, almost as much as the average person eats in an entire day.

Antacid sales increased by about 20 percent on the Monday after the Super Bowl, and approximately six percent of Americans called in sick.

I like to be creative and make food markers using a Super Bowl theme. They’re super easy, and everyone raves about them.

I simply find some appropriate photos online, print them out, tape them onto cardboard, create a cardboard post, and wrap the post in aluminum foil.

Take a look at this year’s Super Bowl marker menagerie:

And who knew my Matt Ryan food marker would be so prophetic? (Poor Matt.)

Now for my Boneless Buffalo Chicken recipe:

Boneless Buffalo Chicken
1 pound skinless chicken breast (1” thick – cut into 2” x 2” pieces)
3 cups flour
1 ½ cups buttermilk (Fat free works)
1 ½ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon ground black pepper
Peanut Oil (great for frying, but vegetable oil is ok too)

Hot sauce
¾ cup hot sauce
¼ cup water
1 tablespoon butter
¼ heaping teaspoon cayenne pepper

Blue cheese dressing
4 oz. Blue cheese, crumbled
1 cup sour cream
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste

Sauce directions: Place sauce ingredients in small pan and simmer 4-5 minutes until well blended. Remove sauce from heat and set aside.

Boneless Chicken directions: Mix flour, salt, and pepper in a bowl. Place buttermilk in a separate bowl. Make sure chicken is cut into pieces. Heat oil for frying.
Dip chicken pieces into the buttermilk and then into the flour. Gently shake off excess flour and carefully place pieces into hot oil and fry until golden brown. Remove chicken pieces and drain them on a paper towel. When you are ready to serve the chicken, place them in a large container and cover with the hot sauce. Place a lid on the container and gently shake or stir until all nuggets have been coated. Then place the chicken nuggets on a non stick baking sheet and bake in a 350 degree oven for 10-15 minutes. Serve with blue cheese dressing.

Who Else Is Sick of Hearing About Politics on Facebook?

January 27, 2017PoliticsTeri

Every time I log onto Facebook I cringe.

I am so sick of the political discourse, and yes, I know I have participated in it.

I’m guilty as charged.

But I need to move on.

And I think I have come up with a brilliant solution that will help me to deal with all the noisy political nonsense.

When I feel like talking politics I will shove the words back in.

And instead, I will share a photo of one of my cooking efforts.

And if I’m really feeling politically disgusted, I’ll share the recipe!

I am going to try

really

hard to stop discussing politics.

And the first place I am going to start is on Facebook.

As of today, I have put a self-imposed all-things-political blog ban on The Teri Tome and will make my best efforts to muzzle my political opinions for the next thirty days.

If anyone caught my blog post Drinking Alcohol. How Much Is Too Much? not blogging about politics and you-know-who, might be harder than cutting out the vino.

And my new passive aggressive approach starting right now?

Every time I read something on Facebook that irks me, makes me roll my eyes, and yes—sometimes enrages me, I’m going to post a food pic and a recipe or two.

So just to give you a heads up—if you see a food pic or a recipe from me in your Facebook comments section, you’ll know why.

If people are still whipping up talk of building that wall. [Nothing comes close to the walnut chicken I recently whipped up.]

HOW TO BUILD THAT WALNUT CHICKEN
6 boneless skinless chicken breasts
¼ cup butter or margarine, melted
½ teaspoon garlic powder
½ cup bread crumbs
¼ cup all-purpose flour
½ cup finely chopped walnuts
¼ cup sesame seeds
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground pepper
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
2 tablespoons olive oil
Mustard Sauce
1 cup whipping cream
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons dry sherry
¼ teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
In between pieces of plastic wrap or waxed paper, place each chicken breast smooth side down and gently pound with flat side of meat mallet or rolling pin until about 1/2 inch thick. In small bowl, mix melted butter and garlic powder. In shallow dish, mix bread crumbs, flour, walnuts, sesame seeds, 1 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Brush both sides of chicken with garlic butter; coat with bread crumb mixture.

In a 12-inch skillet, heat 1 tablespoon each of the butter and oil over medium heat until butter is melted. Add 3 chicken breasts; cook 8 to 12 minutes, turning once, until no longer pink in center. Remove from skillet to serving platter; cover to keep warm. Repeat with remaining 1 tablespoon each butter and oil and remaining 3 chicken breasts.

Meanwhile, in 1-quart saucepan, stir sauce ingredients with whisk until blended. Heat to simmering; cook 10 minutes or until mixture thickens slightly and coats the back of a spoon. Serve chicken with sauce.

If people are still debating crowd size. [No biggie. Take a look at the size of the steak I grilled on the barbie last night. The bigger the better, right?]

You want something crowd size? Try a big ole slab of rib-eye so you can get that crust on the outside but still super juicy in the middle. And don’t do a thing to it before you put it on the grill. Maybe a pinch of salt, but that’s about it.

Rare: Sear it on high for three minutes, then turn it over for two minutes. Medium: Four minutes on each side. Well done: Five minutes on each side.

Stopping American carnage. [Nothing like a little chili con carnage to get the American party started.]

My Chili Con Carnage
2 tablespoons olive oil
2-4 garlic cloves, minced
2 onions, chopped
2 lbs ground beef
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon cumin
¼ teaspoon hot pepper flakes
2 (15 ounce) cans red kidney beans, undrained
2 (16 ounce) cans chopped tomatoes, undrained
grated cheddar cheese
Sour cream
Saute onions in olive oil. Add minced garlic and saute for another 30 seconds. In dutch oven, brown ground beef. Add onions and garlic. Add spices and tomatoes with juice. DO NOT DRAIN. Heat to boiling and simmer for one hour. Add beans. DO NOT DRAIN. Simmer for approximately 20 minutes. Top with cheese and serve with hot biscuits or corn bread and a dollop of sour cream. (I like to make a face on the top of my chili. See my photo as a guide)

Trump is killing Obamacare. [My challah roll bread is to die for.]