The Y Chromosome

X & Y Chromosomes
(Photo description: The human Y chromosome (the stumpy one on the left) holds the code for “maleness;” the mighty X on the right holds the code for “femaleness.”)

Basic biology has it that girls are girls because they have two X chromosomes— those thingies inside cells that carry our genes. Boys are boys because they have one X and one Y.

Y might look puny next to X, but as Mark Twain once said: “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”

Speaking from experience, I can’t live with Y. And I can’t live without Y.

When my husband does something stupid I always ask myself, why ? And then I answer my own question with: Blame it on the Y chromosome— the essence of masculinity.

As I have mentioned in past blog posts, pretty much everyone in my family has the same thing to say about The Teri Tome: PLEASE DON’T WRITE ABOUT ME. I feel like Taylor Swift, sans the long legs, beautiful hair, perfect teeth, wrinkleless lips, and her gazillions of dollars.

So I’m going to attempt to write this Y Chromosome blog without implicating anyone in particular. Except that me is me.

Me [Getting ready for a wedding]: Does this dress make me look fat?

Him: I like a little meat on your bones.

Me: Are you kidding me? That’s really offensive.

Him: You asked.

Me: Just say no.

Him: No.

Me: Thanks for nothing.

Him: Can I throw something else out there?

Me: Really? You haven’t said enough?

Him: I don’t like you in red.

Me: Too late now. You’re stuck with red meat on the bone.

Him: Now you’re going to be mad at me?

Me: You think I look fat. Why wouldn’t I be mad at you?

Him: You don’t look fat. You look healthy.

Me: Stop talking.

Him [Driving to the wedding]: Now you’re going to give me the silent treatment?

Me: I have nothing to say.

Him: Next time you ask me the fat question, I’m going to reframe it and throw it right back at you.  

Me: Fine. (To all you Y’s out there: When a woman says fine you need to shut up because she’s not happy.)

Him [Stopping on the steps to the wedding and staring into my face]: Listen, you look beautiful. My bad. Let’s kiss and make up.

Me: Not to worry. (What I really wanted to say was: Not to worry butt face, you’ll pay for your stupid mistake later.)

Now we are meeting and greeting people, and air kissing and hugging, and all I’m thinking about is the meat on my bones. Plus, does red accentuate my stuff?

After the ceremony, I rushed to the ladies room to check out my fat red self.  As I thoroughly inspected myself in the mirror—I GASPED!!!!!

There it was—a near dead gnat stuck in a goop of gloss on my right upper lip.

HE WAS GOING TO BE SO BUSTED.

Me [Trying to stay calm with the gnat still affixed to my lip, while pointing at it]: Did you not notice this ginormous gnat on my face while you were begging to make up?   

Him: It’s not that ginormous.

Me [Wiping said gnat off my lip with his suit pocket handkerchief while saying nothing]: (Saying nothing is something and means everything, and Y’s should worry when this happens.)

Him: So now you’re mad at me because a gnat drowned in your lipstick?

Me: Lip gloss. And I spoke to a thousand people like that.  

Him: You spoke to about twenty people.

Me: Whatever. (My way of saying screw you.)

Him: Let’s go eat.

Writing the Perfect Book Blurb in 25 Words

Marketing books

I was recently asked to provide a book blurb for my novel Our Romantic Getaway  in 25 words or less—including the title. As the queen of verbiage, this was no easy task.

I started out with 375 words, and then cut it back to 180. That was the easy breezy part. Then I copied and pasted, added and deleted for a while, and whittled it down to 100. How was I going to shave off another 75 words?

Try as I could, the 25 word blurb was not progressing well at all.

I applied my old grade school lesson of who what when why where. This was actually quite helpful.

With some major who what when why and whereing, I was finally able to get to 25 words exactly! It was a time consuming and laborious exercise, but the creation of a succinct 25 word pitch was eventually accomplished as follows:

Our Romantic Getaway:  A couple’s vacation goes awry when they are bumped to a risqué nude resort. Can their marriage survive the bizarre, eye-opening experience?

My 25 word accomplishment got me thinking of all kinds of things I could narrow down.

Like…

A bathroom reminder for my husband:  Roll toothpaste from bottom, toilet seat down, wipe sink, use your towel, toilet paper goes over, clean toothpaste off mirror, change light bulb if dark.

(I was so proud of this one that I wrote it on a post it and stuck it on the bathroom mirror.)

Important kitchen reminders: Garbage pickup Tuesday and Friday, no dirty dishes in sink, write grocery list legibly, do not overflow trash can, dining room table not for storage.

(I was getting pretty good at this 25 word blurb thing so I really went on a roll.)

Thirteen major no no’s: Don’t gossip, spit in public, be greedy, curse, lecture, slouch, be cheap, crack knuckles, blow nose in restaurants, bite nails, talk with mouth full, procrastinate.

Life lessons for my kids Yoda style: Text and drive do not. Seek advice you must. Your mother and father honor. Your best try. Fair life is not. To dope say nope.

 

How to Market Your Book

Marketing your book

I get hundreds of e-mails asking me how my books are selling and what kind of effort I have been putting into getting them out there.

Here is my partial answer:

As a recent novelist, I can tell you that the marketing and selling of Our Romantic Getaway and The Day It Snowed Popcorn has been grueling.

The payoff has been worth it, although it has been slow going and ridiculously time-consuming.  Bottom line: It’s all about the buzz.

Okay, so you wrote a book and it’s finally out there. Congratulations! The feeling of holding a copy of your published work is indescribable. But once the euphoria wears off it’s time to sell and market.

You thought writing the book was exhausting? Writing it was the opening act. Now it’s time for the featured presentation.

It takes a village to be a successful writer. And writers need readers—a village of them. Focus on readers and you’ll get sales.

You may not think of yourself as a salesperson, but you better start thinking like one if you want your book to be successful.

First and foremost, you need to create and build a large and loyal fan base. It’s all about branding. You need to brand yourself as an author, editor, publisher, blogger, marketer, and anything else worth branding.  It’s all about creating your authorial image and persona.

The most successful selling tool available to you is word of mouth. Don’t be afraid to cultivate readers—one reader at a time.

Make sure to give away books. If you hand out your book for free to one person, they may tell two, and those two may tell four. When people talk positively about your book, the word will spread fast, and your book will sell.  The more people read it (and presumably like it), the quicker the word will spread, and with enough people spreading the word, you’ve finally got buzz.

But if no one knows your book is out there, no one will buy it, which equals zero buzz.  And zero sales.

Start compiling a list of magazines, websites, blogs and organizations you think are in sync with your book genre. Then send out a review request in the hopes of getting reviewed.

Here is an example of a review request:

I’ve recently published a book and would appreciate your considering reading it for possible review.  My book is entitled [Book title here]; see the short synopsis below.

[Synopsis here.]

If you are interested in reading my book, I’ll gladly send a complimentary copy. If you would like additional information about me or my book, please go to [Website here].

Thank you in advance for your time, and I hope to hear from you.  

Create an author website. Create a Facebook page (book title or author). Create a blog. Create a Twitter account.  Blog, tweet, and Facebook often, and build a solid base of followers and friends.  Social media is the only way to build an audience, and eventually you’ll find your subset. Or more accurately, your subset will find you.

Offer to speak at workshops for free, and donate books to appropriate organizations.

Send any reader who contacts you a request for a short review on Amazon, Goodreads, Barnes & Noble, etc. Here is an example of a reader review request:

Thanks so much for your kind words about my book! If you have a spare moment, it would be a great help if you could post a review of it on Amazon, Goodreads or Barnes and Noble. Letting other potential readers know why you liked the book would help increase interest in it. It’s not necessary to write a lengthy, formal review—a quick summary is perfect. Here are the links should you be so kind as to write a review: [Insert links here].

Create quality promotional business cards and postcards and have them available at all times. Remember that you are never off marketing duty.

And don’t be discouraged if months later your book is still unknown. Your marketing can take years. And try to publish a book every year. No, I’m not kidding. But only if you can crank out a quality book. Quality is critical.

Don’t expect best seller status overnight—if at all. But never stop marketing your name and your books.  And never stop building a loyal readership and fan base.

Good luck!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

happy-mothers-day-109190

While its roots can be found in ancient Greek and Roman times, Mother’s Day started in the United States as a way for mourning women to honor fallen soldiers and work for peace.

In 1868, the special day was organized to allow mothers of Union and Confederate soldiers to come together in the hopes of eliminating the divide between them, as a result of the Civil War.

And the dates may differ, but no matter where you are in the world, there is a special day to celebrate moms.

The bond that we as mothers share with our children is like no other. We carried them, sustained them, and shared our sustenance with them for nine months. During my pregnancies I was in awe of every moment of the miracle growing inside of me.

And I’m sure most mothers would agree that the love we feel for our children is immeasurable and will last beyond forever.

What makes me truly happy on Mother’s Day has zero to do with the cards, gifts, calls and visits.

If my children are happy—then I’m happy. And the best gift my children could ever give me—was already given to me the day each of them was born.

Below are a few of my fave “Mother” quotes:

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. Rajneesh

 Mother is a verb, not a noun. Proverb

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.  Dorothy Canfield Fisher

A worried mother does better research than the FBI. Unknown

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. Tenneva Jordan

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. Oprah Winfrey

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed. Linda Wooten

It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.  From the television show The Golden Girls

Women’s Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It’s the men who are discriminated against. They can’t bear children. Golda Meir

Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life. Sophocles

A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. Agatha Christie

A mother’s prayer is that her children will love each other long after she is gone. Unknown