February 2020. It seems like light years ago.
I celebrated my daughter’s birthday at Peter Luger in Brooklyn, and I was living the life. I was living the dream.
Until I wasn’t.
March is my new reality. March madness.
I want February back.
Hell, I’ll take last week back.
Last week my dear friend Ann was still alive, and my Aunt Mary didn’t have coronavirus.
What a difference a week makes.
After listening to Governor Cuomo’s daily news briefing today, I went online like I do every day.
I frantically clicked around from website to website. I scoured Home Depot, Walmart, Staples, Bed Bath, anywhere, for paper products.
$59.91 for a box of 125 tissues?
OUT OF STOCK. DELIVERY UNAVAILABLE.
My mind goes back and forth. My mind goes forth and back.
IN-STORE PURCHASE ONLY.
I weigh the options: Go to the grocery store and risk my life, on the one hand, skip the grocery store and save my life, and run out of toilet paper on the other.
I count my rolls of toilet paper and tissue boxes. I’m running dangerously low.
I ask myself what to do, as I sip my almost black coffee, afraid to use too much milk, lest I run out of it, and milk goes the way of toilet paper, and paper towel, and tissues, and spaghetti sauce.
Last Wednesday, I spoke to a BFF on the phone for an hour or so. This week she’s dead.
My Aunt is sick, and who knows when or if I’ll ever see her again.
I miss my kids and my grandkids. I miss my daughter’s dog and my friends and my consulting gigs.
I wonder who will be next, and pray that all this ends soon.
I can’t sleep and finally pass out at 3:30 am if I’m lucky. I wake up close to noon because my time clock is off.
I go to bed to the news, and I wake up to the news.
And it’s all bad. And inside, I rage at the nutjobs who say it’s all fake.
How many are dead today? Did those ventilators get delivered? Will I be needing one soon?
I take my temperature and hold my breath for ten seconds.
I want February back.
5 thoughts on “I Want February Back”
I am so very sorry about your best friend! And I hope your Aunt improves! This is nuts. Hugs.
Dear Carissa, Unfortunately, my Aunt Mary passed away this morning. Please stay safe and thank you so much for keeping in touch. xo Teri
I am calling this “the epidemic of disappointment.” I read it somewhere and it fits. Some days are better than others but I mostly feel lost. Having you voice your feelings helps a lot.
Dear Margaret, It is indeed disappointing. I would call it the epidemic of devastation. I have never felt more afraid. Be safe and take good care of you and your loved ones. And thank you for being my friend. xo Teri