I recently received a call from a colleague asking me if it would be okay if she nominated me as a Ms. New York Senior America contestant.
Me? Ms. New York Senior America? Oh, puleeze.
I mean I’m all for world peace, but this was a stretch, even for me. I wasn’t sure how to respond. So I said nothing. Which is highly unusual for moi.
I guess my pregnant pause caused my colleague to assume that I was interested, or, at the very least mulling it over.
So she enthusiastically jumped right in assuring me that I had an excellent chance of winning because I exemplify what a senior woman is all about. Geez, thanks.
My response was to tell my overly zealous colleague that I was honored she thought of me while simultaneously trying to drum up a way to say NO CHANCE IN HELL diplomatically.
But before I could muster up the words she gushed away: “I’m e-mailing you the information right now. Don’t move.”
A few minutes later I had the lowdown in my e-mail folder.
CHARM • DIGNITY • INNER BEAUTY • APPEARANCE • ATTITUDE • ACCOMPLISHMENTS • ENTHUSIASM • TALENT • GRACE • ENERGY
Hmmm. My competitive self couldn’t help but read on…
The 60 years or older contestants, are judged in 4 categories:
1. The Interview: Private meeting to analyze personality, poise and ability to effectively communicate. Ms. New York Senior America needs to be able to wow the public-at-large as well as the media.
I could like, sooo do that.
2. The Evening Gown: A runway look-see for judges to establish the presence of elegance, poise, and grace.
No brainer, duh.
3. Life Philosophy: A brief statement limited to 35 seconds.
Hmmm, since I am the queen of verbiage, I like, literally can’t even. But I could try.
4. Talent: Music, the arts, or any other activity appropriate for an elegant, senior woman.
I take this to mean that pole dancing is probably off the table.
Oh and the talent presentation is limited to a maximum of two minutes and 45 seconds.
Since I am basically talentless, this category was the deal breaker. Plus, sorry people, but two minutes and 45 seconds seems like eons.
I responsibly called my colleague back to explain to her that I had no talent whatsoever. I left out the eon part.
“I’m sure you can come up with something,” she cajoled and asked me to get back to her.
Now I’m supposed to get back to her?
Okay, maybe I do have some talent.
Let’s see: I could write a poem or read a snippet from one of my blogs. Snoring.
I could whip out a George Foreman grill and create a killer egg-in-a-hole. But could I debut egg-in-a-hole in 2 minutes 45?
I consulted my husband, who had a brilliant idea: I could take a computer and a screen on stage, and create an Excel pivot table from scratch!
OMG! I got so excited about the genius of his suggestion that I started to imagine all sorts of possibilities and scenarios.
Me, in an interview wowing the judges with my bada bing bada boom.
Me, in a ball gown, strutting and sashaying my creaky self.
Me, and my philosophy and mission of world peace and my game plan for obliterating ISIS in 35 secs.
Me, formulating and titillating the audience with my Excel spreadsheet brilliance.
The more I thought about it, the more invigorated I became. And the more sense it made.
I admittedly give a mean Queen of England wave, and I love to travel.
I could be the face of dignity, glamor, maturity, and inner beauty, to all old people.
I could share my spreadsheet talent with AARP chapters, nursing homes, senior Expos, and the elderly like.
As Ms. New York Senior America 2016, I could be the touchstone for the geriatric masses.
I could be a contender!
I CAN SEE IT NOW:
AND THE WINNER IS…
TERI SCHURE • MS. NEW YORK SENIOR AMERICA 2016
Teri Schure, a peppy 62-year-old, grew up on the wrong side of Bridgeport Connecticut, and has been a fairly reputable Long Island resident for the past 32 years. She never graduated from Brevard College in Brevard, North Carolina, and wasted precious time majoring in music theory and minoring in piano. She never obtained a degree of any kind, nor did she earn any certifications. Her passionate and fascinating working career consisted of Excel spreadsheets and calculators. Since she doesn’t have enough money to retire, she continues to eke out a living doing a plethora of grunt work and continues to bust her butt every day to improve her skills.
Since Teri does nothing but slog and toil, she has yet to devote her time and skills to charity, volunteering for various non-profits, or any other causes in her community. Since she is a slave to the almighty dollar, she does not actively support any organizations at all.
Her interests include cleaning the house, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, and making sure there is dinner on the table every night.
Since she is still trudging and grinding away, she has no interest in art, dance, horseback riding, gardening, travel, piano, or theater.
Teri is thrilled and honored to be Ms. New York Senior America 2016. She looks forward to proudly promoting a positive image of oldness, while simultaneously extolling the importance of graceful perseverance and acceptance of the inevitable, to all women past their prime.
Her dream is to pageant beyond New York and become Ms. Senior America of 2017.